Interstellar Made Me Vomit

Interstellar Rating

At the creative kickoff meeting of every movie, I bet Christopher Nolan saunters in the room and says, “let’s see how much we can mess with people’s brains.” After Inception, I questioned my inner subconscious. After seeing Interstellar, I am questioning my entire existence. Now my brain is on loop and I’ve taken up smoking.

I saw this movie alone – a three-hour space journey starring Oscar Winner, Matthew McConaughey and Oscar Godzilla, Anne Hathaway. Despite food poisoning that kicked in 30 minutes near the end, and having no one to answer my dumb space questions, this movie kicked serious astro-nuts.

THE PLOT
Cooper, (Matthew McConaughey) an ex mystery pilot turned dusty corn farmer turned space hunk ventures into the galaxy via a wormhole looking for a habitable planet. He must save the human race (which according to the movie, is a few Americans and one Englishman).

*SPOILERS AHEAD*

THE DARK SIDE

I is stupid.
If you’re space stupid like me, don’t bother seeing this movie. Want me to tell you the order of the planets? Mercury, Venus, Earth, Endor, Alderaan (no longer), Asgard, and Hoth. Near the end of this movie, I felt like I had a lobotomy and all I could do was drool and nod. I definitely vomited. It took me three days just to process everything and muster the courage to Google the fifth dimension. I eventually gave up and stared at this GIF of a multidimensional cube for a solid 10.
Dimensions

Alright, alright, alright, acting.
I may have overlooked the acting because I was busy figuring out space and the meaning of life, but I know it wasn’t exceptional. Anne Hathaway purposely underacted in order to look less drama camp kid desperate and Matthew McConaughey played the same character he does in every movie. He’s the Caramilk bar of actors – delicious, smooth and comes with a 12-pack. You know exactly what you’re getting.
Matthew McConaughey

Well that escalated quickly.
Similar to your Facebook feed, the story line moves quickly and relationships between characters become disconnected. Do we really understand Cooper’s last minute decision to ditch his daughter for some fun space jammin’? Do we really understand why your friend decided to drop university to go on a soul searching trip to Thailand for a second time? No one really knows, and you’re not given enough time before another cool thing shows up.
Cool Story Bro

Pass me the Cheese Puffs.
I don’t mind a little cliché at Christmas dinners and bachelorette parties (penis balloons FTW), but the Interstellar cheese was laid on thick. Cooper finds NASA’s super-secret HQ (which conveniently doubles as a luxury space motor-home for the entire human population) and they’re not even peeved at him for trespassing. “Cooper you’re the best pilot we’ve got, even though we’ve made no attempt to look for you. Can you save Earth?”
Eye roll

THE LIGHT SIDE

Damn, you’re looking fine.
Now I’m not saying the exploding Death Star in Star Wars is the most visually amazing cinematic creation of our time, but I’m not saying it isn’t either. Visually, Interstellar is nuts and competes hard. They’ve managed to capture a dying Earth in a beautiful way, and a healthy (?) space in a beautiful-er way. Those diseased corn crops are soooooo ridiculously good-looking.
Wow

Where we’re going there are no roads … or time constraints.
Interstellar makes Dr. Emmett Brown look like an uncultured time traveling swine. Theoretical physics for the win! Oh, it takes a few years to get to Saturn? Not a problem. Let’s preserve our bodies in sleepy time water coffins! Nolan must have galactic Googled… a lot. Fun Space Note: time moves much slower on the other side of the wormhole and the closer they get to the black-hole, Gargantua. People on Earth get old crazy quick compared to Coop and his team. Aside from Casey Affleck’s inability to show emotion, this was the most interesting part of the movie.
Doc

I just can’t even.
Interstellar goes super space deep, fifth dimensional stuff – future humans who understand and work in the fifth dimension, but can communicate in the past to humans in a four dimensional manner. Jesus. I need to lay down. Thankfully, I survived the movie and only threw up once. My Interstellar horking was a miss (not kidding, I missed the toilet), but the movie hit me right in the space balls.
I can't even

You got me again Nolan.

Well, you know what they say… fool me once, strike one, fool me twice … strike three.

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